What's in the Mail Today--
I received my rejection for an NEA grant today, a day later than all my friends--thank you small town mail. I am interested in learning who the 50 (I think it's 50) poets who received one were. In the letter it said 1050 poets applied. When I tell this number to people they say, "Is that all?" which I find to be an interesting response. I thought it was a pretty good amount given the amount of time and effort that goes into the application. If you don't have a book, you have to photocopy documentation (Title page, Table of contents) from 20 journals.
I tend not to be depressed about such a rejection because it's some tough odds and nothing truly I was expecting. However, that said, two of my friends received the $20K NEA Fellowship for poetry last time and neither had books, so it *feels* possible. For me, these grants are like the lottery-- you can't win, if you don't play. So you submit and hope the judges are the ones who are moved by your type of poetry. You hope there is some sort of connection, some sort of "I get what you are trying to do here."
The Trouble With Self-Doubt
On the ferry ride home today I read this in one of those higher spiritual mind, body, & soul free magazines and it reminded me that as my mum will say, “It’s just as easy to think positively as it to think negatively”--
"Self-doubt feeds on the mistrust of our vision, understanding and progress. When we disbelieve our knowing, we project doubt--unwilling to trust others. Then we start to doubt the Divine Plan—‘There's no such thing.’ We discredit the Masters—‘There're not really out there helping us... The doubting grows like a cancer..."
"Whenever I doubt myself, I'm sending a message to the Universe that my hopes and dreams won't be fulfilled. I can only imagine how many opportunities have been blocked by this attitude. Disfaith postpones happiness. The doubt that good things can really happen energizes that reality. Doubt says NO to greater possibilities. Why not just conclude with ‘I don't know’ or ‘maybe,’ than 'I doubt it.'"
Being someone who believes that our thoughts shape our reality, I realized that yes, it is easier just to say “maybe” and not fall into Glum-speak “We’re doomed, we’ll never make it…” (If you ever watched the cartoon Gulliver’s Travels as a child, you’ll know what I’m talking about here.)
Even the graffiti I noticed today reflected this thought: “If you find yourself asking ‘Is this all there is?’ Shouldn’t you be asking yourself, ‘Is this all I created?’ –such mindful graffiti artists in the Northwest.
So, I guess my thought here is to remember that we don't know the outcomes. And we don't know the outcome of whatever we try (well, unless we don't try it-- quote Wayne Gretsky "You miss 100% of the shots you never take").
So if we can’t think yes, think maybe. Think "I don’t know what the outcome will be."
(Notice how I've said "we." Notice how you've been chosen to sail this happy ship of positive thinking...) Oh, but it's good for you. Like a daily vitamin of possibility. Or a glass of red wine bottled with success.
So often self-doubt wanders around the living room or sits on our desks suggesting the world is a scary place, so we better sit still and not try anything. We better not submit to that book contests or grant because we won't get it and rejections hurt. And we believe this stranger. We believe "no" before we believe "maybe."
And this woman who wrote the article, she’s so trusting of this she capitalized Universe and Divine Plan, and Masters. If you’re lacking in faith this week, why don’t you capitalize the things you have trust in. Here’s my list tonight: Family, Friends, Poetry, Autumn, Words, Goodness, Mornings, Intuition, Second Chances, Universe.
I tend not to believe in a master plan, but more in the idea that there are no wrong choices. I believe more in the pen that says we are the reality we create and the plan is a work in progress. Like we all are.
